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The Bible creation story in Pikey

I wrote this circa 2000 as part of a set of "Pikey language learning resources". What I meant by pikey would probably be called chav these days.

Slightly ironically, considering its readership, the Daily Mirror newspaper once published a link to this article as its Site of the Day.

Bible creation story

To start wiv, God made v' 'eavens an' v' earf. V' Earf didn't 'ave nuffink on it, an' ev'ryfink was all dark. So God was movin' about in v' dark, right, and 'e says, "Gissa light ven mate!" An' vere was light. God saw it was well cool, an' so 'e sep'rated v' light, what 'e called Day, an' v' dark, what 'e called Night. An' vere was evenin' an' mornin', an' vassa first day.

Nex' day, God says, "Gissa sky in v' middle of v' wa'ers, to split 'em up, yeah?" Ven God made v' sky an' 'e split up v' wa'ers so vey weren't all mitsed up togever any more. 'E called v' sky 'Eaven. An' vere was evenin' an' mornin', an' vassa secon' day.

Onner fird day, God says, "Right'en, let's 'ave all vis wa'er in one place, wiv dry land where vere ain't no wa'er." An' so it 'appened - jus' like vat. God called v' dry land Earf and v' wa'er Sea. An' 'e says, "Lessave some grass on v' earf, an' plants wiv seeds on 'em, an' trees wiv fruit an' stuff." V' earf did all vis, right, an' God saw it was radical. Vassa fird day.

Onner fawf day, God says, "Gimme some lights in v' sky of 'Eaven to split up day an' night. Less' 'ave 'em fer signs an' seasons an' stuff like vat. An' make 'em light up v' 'earf, yeah?" An' vis 'appened, too. God made two big lights, one to look arfer' day, other one fer night. 'E also made v' stars an' put 'em in v' sky to light up v' 'earf, rule over v' day an' night, an' split up v' light an' dark. God saw it was, like, well wicked. Vassa fawf day.

Onner fif' day, God says to 'imself, "Lessave lots of movin' fings in v' wa'er, an' birds in v' air." So God made lots of whales an' livin' creatures an' stuff. Vese all came out v' water. 'E made v' birds, and saw vey was pretty neat. 'E blessed v' creatures an' 'e says, "Be fruitful an' do, like, what times signs do in maffs, an' filla wa'ers in v' seas. Oh yeah, an' you too, birds." Vasser fif' day.

Onner sits' day, God says, "Giss' lotser diff'rent creatures, cows an' crawly fings an' stuff vat lives on v' earf." V' earf did vis, an' God saw it was skill. "Right ven," 'e says, "Lessave man, 'oo looks like me, an' gissim power over all v' other fish an' birds an' fings." So God made man like 'imself, see? 'E made blokes an' dishwashers. An' 'e blessed 'em an' said, "Oi, look, I've gi'n you loads of plants an' trees, what you can eat. An' v' animals can eat grass, right?" An' it 'appened. God saw all v' stuff 'e'd done, and it was really well cool an' wicked. Vasser sits' day.

By v' sevenf day, v' 'eavens an' v' earf was finished an' fuller life. God 'ad a quick shu'eye from all v' work 'e'd done. 'E blessed vis day an' made it 'oly, 'cos it was when 'e'd 'ad 'is rest. Vis is 'ow God made v' earf an' v' 'eavens, an' all v' plants before vey was in v' earf, an' all v' trees before vey was growin'. An' when God 'ad made man, vis sorter misty fing came outer v' ground an' wa'ered it all. So, God 'ad formed man outer all dust off v' ground, an' breaved life into 'im, and man came alive.