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The Daily Shocker

The Daily Shocker was a fictional tabloid whose articles appeared on TSW ("The Student Web", my university's student-run online media) circa 2000. Its sensationalistic style was a jab at Concrete, the campus newspaper.

These are my contributions to this worthy periodical.

Researcher caught analysing gender portrayals

Scandal at UEA was narrowly avoided on Friday when Psychology researcher Nathan Kitsch was found examining photographic evidence of the female-as-sex-object stereotype on the Internet.

Dr Jason Eikopf, research supervisor in SOC, told the Shocker of how he caught Kitsch downloading images from Hottestgirls4u.com, a self-described "porn portal" boasting over 4,000 explicit photographs. The site has since been blacklisted and access banned by network bigwigs at the University.

Kitsch, a PhD student due to graduate in July, claimed that his Web surfing constituted legitimate research into the battle of the sexes, a recurring issue in the field of psychology. "Hottestgirls4u.com is a prime example of what Freud described as the immarcescible gender divide," explained Kitsch. Shocker reporters were unable to confirm that Freud ever described any such thing.

Stammered an increasingly red-faced Kitsch: "What we see from these exaggerated portrayals of the, er, the female organ, is that the patriarchy is still very much in evidence, and that, er, feminists have yet to exploit the, er, that is, the fundamental facelessness of the Internet and other online media, so as to... ah... so as to rectify the matter."

Dr Eikopf, who has published a number of papers on gender roles in twentieth-century society, remained sceptical. "I don't think we can really disguise the fact that Nathan was using the network facilities to obtain pornographic material," he said. "It would be a very tenuous connection indeed between the unclothed female body and Nathan's research into traditional versus modern family values."

UEA Web supremo Andy Sweet was not available for comment at the time of going to press, but an ITCS representative stressed that the University computers are intended only for coursework and research. She added: "All things considered, it's lucky that this researcher wasn't involved in child psychology. Goodness knows what he might have been downloading then."

Evil genius to take over UFO

Evil genius Doctor Doom has succeeded in an unexpected hostile bid to take control of the Union Food Outlet at UEA.

As part of the controversial takeover, cashiers have traded in their trim blue uniforms for black capes and mind-control headsets. Union budget permitting, they may also carry powerful laser weapons.

"Plans? Oh, yes, I have plans," said Doctor Doom, speaking via a crackly satellite linkup from his heavily defended lunar base yesterday. While the Doctor did not expand on the nature of his plans, analysts believe that the crazed tyrant intends to gain control of the Union itself. UEA's size and location make it an ideal site for an evil fortress in Europe.

Union supremos are concerned about the move. "The whole thing smacks of unfair monopoly," said Union Trade Officer Jonathan Becket. "These changes have been carried out aggressively and without anybody's consent. I am determined to stand up and oppose Doctor Doom." Mr Becket was then vaporised by a blue cosmic ray.

Despite uncertainty within the Union, UEA's student population is unanimously in favour of the takeover. "Doctor Doom... will... triumph," commented Anna Chmielewski (SOC 3). Peter Foster (LLT 1) added, "Go... to the new... UFO. You... will... like it. Doctor Doom... will... triumph."

Language english to adopt the grammar french

The language english, language third most popular in the world, goes to adopt the grammar and the structure of sentence french, if certains of proposals by a Professor of Languages Moderns of UEA will get the light green.

Mr the Professor Owen Kirkwood (LLT) has advanced the proposals controversials tuesday last. "We know all that England goes to commence to use the euro," said-he, "and me, I think that this is the next step logical in the creation of ties essentials between our country and the rest of the Europe."

However, it may be a struggle tough for to convince the population general to accept these changes controversials. During centuries one has not placed not the adjective after the noun in the language english, and, for to take the words very angries of driver of truck local Pete Crenshaw, "Why should we bloody well start doing it now?"

"It all seems horribly complicated to me," has complained one of students of the University of Anglia of the East. "I'm all for intercultural relations, but mixing up two languages like this... it just doesn't make any sense."

Chemistry deaths prompt safety investigation

The deaths of two cleaners in UEA's prestigious School of Chemical Science have led to an internal investigation into safety standards within the school.

Dorothy Gusset, 62, and Barbara Jenkins, 58, were found by students in a second-floor laboratory on Wednesday morning, having inhaled fatal amounts of deadly carbon monoxide gas. It is believed that the cleaners had been dead for several days at the time of the discovery; however, students had initially believed that the staff were taking a well-earned nap after their cleaning exertions.

"This has obviously come as a shock for all concerned, not least the cleaning staff," said Dr Kelvin Curie, the lecturer in charge of CHE's second-floor laboratories. "What makes this case particularly distressing and unfortunate is that we do in fact maintain a very high level of safety here."

"We're always very careful with textbooks," Dr Curie continued, indicating some of the safety precautions already in place in the labs. "As you can see, the books are always stacked neatly on low shelves to ensure that they cannot just fall and hit anybody." Similarly, the piercingly loud fire alarms in the department have been disabled to prevent possible damage to students' eardrums.

"That's not to say that there haven't been accidents in the past," Dr Curie admitted. "Last year, for example, we were looking to uphold UEA's track record for innovation, and we had drinking-fountains installed in some of the labs. To avoid spreading germs, we recommended that students only drink from the glass beakers provided. What we didn't realise at the time was that there are people in the labs who work with corrosive acids."

The Dean of Chemical Sciences was unwilling to discuss the safety issues in detail, but conceded that the ill-fated drinking-fountain scheme caused "quite a lot of embarrassment and death". However, he was anxious to point out that the hair loss common among Chemistry professors is a side-effect of middle age and unrelated to last month's first-floor radiation leak.

New campus cards trigger collecting sensation

Enterprising business student Neil Jameson (MGT 2) has made a small fortune by selling UEA campus cards to local school kids - as trading cards.

The card-collecting craze is believed to be the most lucrative student-run marketing venture since the unauthorised sale of the Sainsbury art collection to London's Tate gallery last semester.

"We've all seen Pokémon and how that caught on," said Jameson during a BBC interview this morning. "I realised that campus cards could easily become the next big thing. My mates thought I was having a laugh when I offered them a fiver each for their ID cards, but I actually made profits of up to £20 on some of them." The collector value of campus cards is determined by length of name and hair colour. Student registration numbers with several contiguous digits are also highly prized.

"Campus cards rock!" enthused Jamie Nuggett, 9, a pupil at Costessey Junior School in Norwich. "I got this one [a third-year ID card with rare ginger hair] for £15, which is a total bargain because there's no other one just like it in the whole world." "My little brother paid £10 for a printer charge-card, though," said Thomas Lloyd, 11. "What a sucker!"

MGT secretary Julia Owen admitted that University bigwigs were initially worried about possible misuse of the campus cards. "We thought that children would be using the cards to get into the 24-hour computing labs, or even to buy drinks in the Union bar. But that was unfounded. They're just having a lot of fun swapping and collecting."

Last week, top software developer Fadworks Interactive contacted Jameson in the hope of publishing a video game based on the campus cards. "We were hoping to get a game out by Christmas, but it's a very tight time-frame," a company spokesman told the Shocker. "Next year, we'll be seeing new products and new crazes. You'd be surprised what the kids might be into by then."